John Wall as Harry Potter aka "the boy who lived" or, if you so prefer, "the chosen one"
John Wall via Keith Allison
What, you don't see the resemblance? The face of the rebellion, John Wall was forced into a leadership position as soon as he was drafted No. 1 by the Wizards in 2010.
Since then, he's been the chosen one, leading Washington to consecutive playoff series wins for the first time since the 1977-1978 and 1978-1979 seasons. That's coincidentally the last time the then-Bullets won an NBA title.
Wall still makes mistakes and can be turnover-prone, but his other numbers and floor leadership more than compensate. With another year under his belt, Wall could be ready to lead his team to the NBA Finals.
Last season: 17.6 ppg, 10.0 assists per game, 79 games started
Bradley Beal as Ron Weasley
Bradley Beal via NBA, Ron Weasley via Tumblr
Never underestimate the value of a trustworthy sidekick. Since being drafted No. 3 overall in 2012, Beal has improved every year. He's developed into one of the better shooting guards in the league and can pick up the slack when Wall is on the bench.
Without Beal, Wall and the Wizards would have virtually no chance to win the Eastern Conference. Washington will lean heavily on Beal to keep the rest of the team fresh for the big fight at the end of the season.
Last season: 15.3 ppg, 41% three-point shooting, 59 games started
Nene Hilario as Hermione Granger
Nene via Monumental Network, Hermione Granger via Giphy
First thing's first: Nene is the only Wizard whose hair can rival Hermione's. But believe it or not, there are a couple of on-the-court similarities as well.
When Nene is out of the picture, the Wizards offense can become sluggish. Hermione might not be as good of a rebounder, but when Hermione was petrified, or even when she is fighting with Ron or Harry, the story moves very slowly.
Last season: 11.0 ppg, 5.1 rebounds per game, 58 games started
Marcin Gortat as Rubeus Hagrid
Marcin Gortat via Zorro2212
*WARNING* This matchup (and some of the ones below) are less about basketball and more about physical appearance.
Gortat is pretty clearly at least half-giant, although he would look far better with a full head of Hagrid hair. The Polish Hammer is another key cog in the Wizards machine who, like Hagrid, might not get all the recognition he deserves.
Plus, everybody loves Gortat. He is a very friendly guy and is hilarious off the court. Hagrid would play basketball the same way, except with his pink umbrella.
Last season: 12.2 ppg, 8.7 rebounds per game, 82 games started
Drew Gooden as Minerva McGonagall
Drew Gooden via Keith Allison, Minerva McGonagall via Fanpop
To borrow a D.C. political term, Drew Gooden is the ranking member of the Wizards. It's the wily veteran's 13th year in the league, making him nearly as old and wise as Professor McGonagall. Gooden is 34 years old, which is about 53 in basketball years. Coincidentally, that was McGonagall's age during the battle of Hogwarts.
But don't be fooled by Gooden's age. He can still perform on both ends of the floor when it matters most. Gooden is somebody the younger players often look to, and might one day become a coach, the NBA equivalent to a Hogwarts professor.
Last season: 16.9 minutes per game, 51 games played, 5.4 ppg, 4.4 rebounds per game
Kris Humphries as Cedric Diggory
Kris Humphries via Keith Allison, Cedric Diggory via Warner Bros.
*HEARTTHROB ALERT* Humphries got a surprising amount of minutes last season. He seems like he still has some gas left in the tank in his 11th year in the league. He's a role player in Washington, but he's also a fan favorite, especially with the ladies. Just look at him.
While he may not be chosen as a Triwizard-Tournament participant anytime soon, he does seem like the kind of guy who would open an egg underwater. The guy was once married to Kim Kardashian after all.
Last season: 21.0 minutes per game, 64 games played, 8.0 ppg, 6.5 rebounds per game
Otto Porter as Neville Longbottom
Here's Neville's (Otto's) walk up after defeating the sixth horcrux in the final book:
His first two seasons (or four books in Neville's case) in Washington were a disappointment, but Porter is finally coming into his own. The former overall No. 3 pick, Porter is primed for a starting role. After playing behind Paul Pierce last year, Porter averaged more than 33 minutes per game in the playoffs, including 10 points and 8 rebounds per contest.
If Wall, Beal or others miss time (or perhaps they're off destroying horcruxes), Porter will have to hold down Hogwarts the lineup.
Neville Longbottom via Giphy
For the Wizards to succeed, Porter will likely have to take a step forward and kill Voldemort's snake take his game to the next level.
Plus, you can't spell Longbottom without Otto.
Last season: 13 games started, 19.1 minutes per game, 6.0 ppg
Kelly Oubre as Ginny Weasley
Kelly Oubre via NBA
This rookie used to have red hair. She still does. He's younger than John Wall and co. She's younger than Harry and friends. But both become crucial in each of their friends' journeys.
Oubre is something of a wild card, but perhaps he is just the partner that Wall needs (both on and off the court).
Last season: (AT UNIVERSITY OF KANSAS): 9.3 ppg, 5.0 rebounds per game, 1.1 steals per game.
Jared Dudley as Dobby
Jared Dudley via NBA, Dobby via Flickr
While the obvious comparison here is to Dudley Dursley (the name and perhaps the pudginess), the real comparison is to Dobby.
Dobby is inherently wise, feisty and fiercely protective of those he cares about. Jared also embodies all of these characteristics, and once he hits the court (he could miss a month of the season after back surgery) Dudley could become a mentor, enforcer, role player and important piece of the puzzle.
Last season (at MILWAUKEE): 72 games played, 23.8 minutes per game, 7.2 ppg
Martell Webster as Sirius Black and Garrett Temple as James Potter
Webster and Temple seem like they're best friends, and it’s adorable.
Like Sirius, Webster is no spring chicken anymore. Entering his 11th season in the league, Webster has established himself as a locker room favorite with antics like this one.
Or this one, another prank Sirius would be proud of:
And there's moments like these when you can tell that Webster and Wall love each other, much like Sirius' and Harry's relationship:
Also, Webster is the cousin of another basketball player (Jason Terry), while Sirius’ cousin is... her.
Webster missed the entire preseason with a hip injury, and while there was no specific timetable for his return, he practiced Tuesday.
The James Potter comparison becomes a bit of a stretch if you’re considering Temple to be Wall’s father. But, while crossing nerd canons suck, bigger parental shockers have happened.
Webster last season: 33 games played, 11 minutes per game, 3.3 ppg
Temple last season: 52 games played, 14.1 minutes per game, 3.9 ppg
Ramon Sessions as Remus Lupin
Ramon Sessions via NBA
Sessions, Webster and Temple are all role players on the team, so it’s appropriate that he'd be Lupin, one of James and Sirius' best friends (and resident werewolf).
Ramon was acquired before the trade deadline last season and proved to be a valuable asset down the stretch. He can provide Wall rest time. While he isn’t nearly as explosive as the The Boy Who Lived, he is a more than serviceable backup point guard.
Plus, Sessions spent a year in Minnesota playing with the -- wait for it -- Timberwolves. Just saying.
Last season: 28 games played in Washington, 19.5 minutes per game, 7.4 ppg.
DeJuan Blair as Buckbeak
DeJuan Blair via Maryland Sports Blog, Buckbeak via @PotterMemory
At 6-foot-7 and 270 pounds, Blair has at least 20 pounds on any other Wizard, including a pair of 6-foot-11 guys in Gortat and Nene. DeJuan is often described as an animal; in fact, “Bear,” “Grizzly-Bear” and “Grizzly-Blair” are all common nicknames for the former Pitt standout.
Considering his personal foul rate per minutes played, Blair is something of an enforcer, and not the guy you’d want to get into a fight with.
Plus, Buckbeak would not have been a good free throw shooter either (Blair shoots about 61% for his career).
Last season: 29 games played, 6.2 minutes per game, 1.9 rebounds per game, 1.4 personal fouls per game.
Alan Anderson and Gary Neal as Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas
No one knows really who these two journeymen are, and Seamus and Dean aren't that memorable either.
Anderson last season: (WITH BROOKLYN): 74 games played, 23.6 minutes per game, 7.4 ppg, 44% shooting percentage.
Neal last season: (WITH CHARLOTTE AND MINNESOTA): 54 games played, 22.1 minutes per game, 10.1 ppg.
Randy Wittman as Severus Snape
Most people don't love Wittman, but if the Wizards win the war an NBA championship, it would likely be the biggest turnaround for a person since … you guessed it, Severus Snape.
Severus Snape via AhLupin
Plus, who wouldn’t want Wittman to speak like Alan Rickman? “I (3 second pause) might (turns clipboard up and down 17 times) be (four second pause) dumb (menacing stare).” The press conferences would be insufferable, but far more entertaining.
Last season: 46-36, Eastern Conference semifinals. Wizards Tenure: 137-158 record. However, 90-74 in previous two seasons.
BONUS: LeBron James as Lord Voldemort
LeBron James via MTV, Voldemort via Giphy
The resemblance is uncanny.
BONUS x2: Kevin Durant as Albus Dumbledore
Kevin Durant via Keith Allison
They say Dumbledore was the only wizard Voldemort ever feared. If Washington is unable to vanquish the NBA's He Who Must Not Be Named this season, there's still hope in #KD2DC.
Durant hasn't specifically addressed what he wants to do after his contract with Oklahoma City expires, but the combination of Dumbledore-esque wisdom and motivation might be what brings down the Dark Lord.
Plus, how awesome would Durant look in half moon spectacles and a gnarly white beard?
Albus Dumbledore via YouTube
Wingardium Leviosa indeed.